Now You Know

No, by the grace of God, you will NOT plead ignorance. You will NOT testify that you never knew any better because no one ever taught you anything better. You will not plead that you were never told.

Monday, December 27, 2004

Twisted Tolkien and Peers Among Bloggers

Never one to suffer or to enjoy without making others endure the same, I give you this link to a twisted parody of "The Lord of the Rings." I stumbled across it quite accidentally.

"How twisted is it?" you may ask. So twisted that it looks like it was written by Jeff Goldstein of Protein Wisdom in collaboration with Jim Treacher, Allah and the Ace of Spades and possibly Jeff Percifield of Beautiful Atrocities. In defense of the above named bloggers, let me emphatically state that none of them had anything to do with it (at least, not to my knowledge) but it's definitely the kind of thing that I wouldn't put past them and neither should you. Here are a few excerpts:

"Life goes on much as it has," said Gandalf, ignoring the hobbits sending him lewd gestures as he passed. "Although a recent outbreak of some sort of gender-altering virus has left Gondor and much of Rohan in utter confusion. Still, the lucky buggers are blissfully unaware of you italics-abusing little fucks."

"That's nice," said Frodo, sounding for all the world like he hadn't heard a bit of it (which he hadn't, he'd been too focused on a spec of dirt under one of his nails). "Well, you're creepy and old, and it can't be doing me much good being seen with you. Have fun tormenting Bilbo." Frodo leapt off the cart and scampered off.

. . .

Back in Bag End Bilbo slipped off the ring and tucked it neatly into his pocket before collecting his things for the trek to Rivendell.

"You're supposed to use that thing to cover the lands in darkness and whatnot," said Gandalf, materializing in Bilbo's parlour. "It's not for scaring the piss out of your relatives."

"Oh you're probably right, as usual."

"Of course I am! Now gimme."
. . .

See what I mean? Am I right or am I right? Couldn't you just see the bloggers I named above writing something this warped? Is nothing sacred, not even Tolkien? Well, if they had done such a thing, it would have been the Llama Butchers who would have instigated the whole thing. Never trust a llama.

Thank goodness I am blissfully above all that. Bunch o' sick bastards.

You've been told and NOW YOU KNOW.