Now You Know

No, by the grace of God, you will NOT plead ignorance. You will NOT testify that you never knew any better because no one ever taught you anything better. You will not plead that you were never told.

Wednesday, November 24, 2004

Cell Phones: A Modern Social Disease

There is a news article titled Exploding Cell Phones a Growing Problem .

Oh, really? The fact that the cell phones are exploding is the problem? I consider it a public service. Lord save me from having to put up with any more rude, obnoxious, self-centered idiots who are determined to make me listen to their one-sided private conversations in which they are publically engaged!

Here is a newsflash for all the guilty parties (and you know who you are!) -- No one, and I do mean no one, wishes to be subjected to you babbling publically over your cell phone to some unknown private entity. No one wants to hear or see you doing this in a grocery store. No one wants to hear or see you doing this at a mall. No one wants to hear or see you doing this in a restaurant. No one wants to hear or see you doing this in any other public place! It is the height of rudeness and inconsideration for you to be doing so.

We are not favorably impressed because you own a cell phone. The novelty of them wore off long ago. If you think that we are impressed by the sight of your cell phone, you must believe that we are positively ga-ga over you having finally discovered what toilet paper is. We are in no way misled into believing that you are a VIP because you have that cell phone attached to your ear so much that it has begun to graft to the side of your head.

We are particularly disgusted with you selfish, careless pigs of the world who engage in cell phone use while you are operating any motor vehicle. You are not paying attention to your driving and you are endangering the life and limbs of those of us who care about other motorists, cyclists and pedestrians, not to mention those of us who care about our own life.

In short, watching you engage in your cell phone social disease behavior is about as appetizing as being forced to watch you defecate, urinate or regurtitate in public. It is as charming as being forced to hear your flatulence and eructation at the dinner table. It is as appealing as being exposed to you engaging in your sexual proclivities in public. You are equivalent to the toothless, decrepit old man wearing nothing but a trench coat while masturbating to shock or elicit a response from innocent passers-by.

The news article to which I have linked above ended with the following statement from the mother of a 13 year old boy whose cell phone exploded: "It took my son two months to decide to even be near a cell phone," said his mother, Cris. "But he needs one."

Excuse me, you retarded rodent of a mother, but your 13 year old boy does not need a cell phone. The truth of the matter is that even most adults don't need a cell phone. You flatter yourselves that you are all so important that the world would come to a screeching halt and life as we know it would be obliterated from the face of the earth if you were to be "deprived" of your beloved aural masturbatory device. Please allow me to disabuse you of that erroneous notion. None of you are, to my knowledge, the leader of the free world. You are simply not important enough to require that you be in constant communication with the world 24/7. You are not the president of the United States and that cell phone is not your hotline, the only thing protecting the rest of the world from nuclear annihilation.

So take that damned thing away from your ear and put it some place for emergency use. (N. B. Calling your spouse to ask what to pick up from the grocery store on the way home from work does not qualify as "emergency use.") If you can pry it away from your face for longer than ten seconds, you might actually be able to pull your head out of your rectum without the added obstruction of that electronic impediment.

You've been told and NOW YOU KNOW.